Recipes for disaster (First Recipe)
- Crys_j_cole
- Apr 22, 2019
- 22 min read
Updated: Apr 22, 2019
Ever heard this term before?? This term usually comes before one sees that there is a huge potential for a bunch of fuck ups. A total mess. A shit show. You know you've heard it. You've hear older people say it, and now, you've probably said it yourself a few time. Take a moment here an think back to a time you've heard it, or even said it yourself. In this post, I'm going to share with you a few of my own recipes for disaster. Hopefully me sharing this with you will be a help someone else not to make the same recipes, and also a reminder to myself to stay away from these types of recipes.
First Recipe - Married Man
1 Beautifully sexy woman
1/2 a Married Man
1/4 cup of borrowed time
24 oz of disappointment
.5 of sex
1/2 Wife. (cuz even if you don't see her, she's in the recipe.)
Mix all ingredients together, and you will have a fucking mess.
It started out. Me seeing him across the floor. He was a musician (the same types my dad warned me about, because my fathers a musician too, and he knows how the game works, because he himself has played the game. But musicians have this thing about them.. its this sick rhythm that is intoxicating. Its captivating, that‘s why women, flock to musicians. They feel it too. ) The show was lit. I remember dancing until my feet hurt. I remember drinking until I felt like I was floating. I remember being away from home and having the most incredible time with amazing people. Some of which it was my first time meeting, and some of who knew me forever.
I remember waiting around after the show ended to grab an autograph, some call it a groupie, some know the true connection you have with an artists music, and the feeling to want to tell them in that moment just how much your music helped them through a dark time, or just how much you identified with their music. I like to consider myself the ladder, but hey interpretation is everything. Luckily this is my story, and I'm free to write it how I see it. If this is too hard for you to understand, then I suggest you stop reading this $hit now. Cuz its only gonna get more real.
He was tall, and milk chocolate. Now let me be honest, he wasn't the cutest/most attractive thing, if you ask 10 people they would probably say he was ugly. (oof) But he had some crazy sexiness about him . Initially it wasn't about the way he looked, it was about how he performed. I was enamored with his incredible percussive artistry. It sucked me in, the back beat had me and my friends in a zone, a zone we each experienced in different ways. He had a knack for taking his shirt off. He definitely had a body that looked like he knew where the gym was. (again, not what caught my eye) I was just excited to meet someone that was close to this music I had grown to love.
The show ended, me and my homegirl were hanging around shooting the shit with the band, just chatting, talking, a bunch of random conversations. He made his way over to me, we just talked like normal folks, no flirting, just talking about the music. He asked what we were about to do, I said well its halloween, we are thinking about getting in costume and making our way into the streets. He said ah ok, in this dope ass accent. He was a DC type. almost mixed with a little bit of New York ish. It was dope, mostly because it was different. Das all. After we stood around for a while we all decided that the window of opportunity had now closed. He asked if we could exchange numbers, I gave him my number without really putting much thought into it. I was single, I assumed that because he asked me for my number he was too. Not saying something was supposed to happen or come form it, I really didn't give him my number with the intention of anything coming out of it. Me and my homegirl decided to grab some food and take it to the hotel, basically call it a night.
We get settled into the hotel, take showers and what not. I come out, and put my phone on the charger. It lights up once the charger is connected, and guess what, I have a text from him. He asks what were up to, I told him we were at the hotel chillin' sipping, and watching tv, just doing what folks do on vacation after they're tired as fcuk, nothing at all.
He and I start chatting with a casual conversation. Its a "hefty" conversation, basically a lot of stuff chatted about for a few hours. We chatted until he boarded his plane to the next city. I looked over at my friend she was knocked out. I put my phone on the night stand face down, turned off the light, put the TV on Sleep mode, and went to sleep.
I wake up, to a few messages from him, and a missed call. I sit up in bed, and proceed to give him a call back. From there it started, just great conversation, never inappropriate, sometimes about music, sometimes about life, sometimes about travel. But, always fulfilling. The conversations went on, and on, and on. I looked up and a year had passed. Still platonic, with the occasional compliment from him. I would always laugh and play it off and go on about my business. It wasn't that I didn't feel more attracted to him, it as just that I knew I couldn't have anything substantial with him because of his lifestyle. TRAVEL. I always seemed to be attracted to these dudes from all over the world. The ones that couldn't give me the type of stability I needed in a relationship.
Over time, the conversations were engaging me more deeply. They were causing me to want to experience him in a different way. Not just respectfully as this incredible musician, but on an intimate level. Let me back track a bit here. After a year of chatting casually, I asked if there was someone that I needed to be worried about stabbing me in my back, or punching me in the back of my head because I'm talking to you. I asked because as I said before our conversations were pretty platonic, it started to change slowly but still very respectful. But in my gut, I had a feeling where it as going, and what it was leading to. We had strangely enough had the opportunity to see each other every once in a while. Not because of special trips, but only because of times that he was in my city, or a neighboring city. (Honestly my concept of time can be totally off, and I don't remember how much time was in between so just remember that all of this is on a very inaccurate time scale.)
After we had developed this very strong friendship. I asked again, are you sure there isn't anyone who may feel some type of way because of the nature of or relationship. (we had never kissed, touched (other than a hug), or had any type of sex. ) He said, actually I'm married, I said, really? for how long? He answered. I said you didn't think that was important to tell me? He said. Well, we've never needed to discuss that before. Our conversations have never gone in a direction that was inappropriate. (which was true) But If were claiming to be friends then I feel like this is something I should know. I asked so what's the deal with you guys. Do you have an open relationship or something? I said because even though we've been pretty consistent with friendly conversation, I could feel that something was brewing between the two of us. He said. "My wife and I have an understanding" that made me slightly sick to my stomach, sort of un-easy. I held on to the fact that I hadn't done anything with him, and I let that be the thing that kept me at bay as far as what I may have been feeling, and despite what I felt was coming, I said to myself, Im going to keep my feelings in check because this man is married. Statistics show the following...
On the Infidelity Statistics of 2018 website:
Earlier this year, we interviewed one of the private investigators in the Trustify network who estimated that 90% of his surveillance cases centered around infidelity. We thought about how the act of being unfaithful to a partner has evolved, especially with the advanced forms of connecting through social media and other electronic messaging formats. Led us to creating our own Infidelity survey. With just under 200 responses, we got a clearer picture of what infidelity looks like in 2018. Some answers may surprise you:
Of those who admitted to infidelity:
55% of male respondents cheated on their spouse with five or more people
50% of our female respondents admitted to cheating with one person
32% of the men met the person they cheated with online (either through social media or a dating service)
22% of the women met the person they cheated with in some sort of social setting (bar, party) or had a previous romantic connection to that person
23% of the men said the leading cause of the affair was due to a lack of sexual satisfaction
28% of the women said the cause of the affair was due to a lack of emotional satisfaction
Most marriages continued after the affair, although 40% of women admit that they are not on good terms with their spouses, while 60% of men say that they are on good terms.
Just threw that in there to help keep things into perspective. Moving on..
He hit me up one day.
Some time had passed, I’m STILL single.
I was at my job minding my business teaching these kiddoez.
He says you wanna come to a show this week?
I said really, How did I miss that? He said you need a ticket? I said yeah, that’s cool.
He asks, How many, I said, um, just one. Its last minute, and I don't think any of my friends can get off at this random ass time, this random day of the week, lol.
I immediately put in for a sub, and decided I'd leave after work and just take the next day off so I could enjoy the show that I was sure would go late into the night.
I gave my team a heads up I would be out. I packed a little over night bag, and hit the road after school. (It was a short drive, but I got a hotel so I could sleep peacefully without rushing.) He called me, Hey you made it yet? I said Nah, Im about 30 minutes out now. Why whats up? He said come scoop me lets go get something to eat. I said aight cool, send me the address to where you are. I put it in my GPS it says 24 minutes away which was also 5 minutes from my hotel. Dope! I can see the show, and then Uber back! Yes! I started thinking of all the alcohol I was going to drink, lol.
I pull up, shoot him a text. Hey, I'm outside, come out when you're ready. He said cool. I was excited to see him, but he same way I'm excited to see my other friends. There was no jumping in the panties or twitching of the pelvic muscles, lmmfao we were still truly just homies.
He came out, I flagged him down, he didn't know my car. He hops on the passenger side, I yell, "What's up Ni%%@!" He cracks up we exchange a side ways car hug, and then we start rolling out. I told him I got a hotel which was 5 minutes form the venue. He was like thats dope! I said yeah for sure! I asked what he wanted to eat. He said, Ramen. I knew my friend loved this shit, but I was on some, bruh, I need some food with some sustenance type shit. LOL. He laughed and said cool. We swung by this pizza place, I told him we needed to hurry the Eff up because my hotel had free happy hour from 5-7 and I planned on getting a head start before the show. (Side note, I have to have pizza🍕every time I'm there no matter what's going on, no matter what diet or meal plan I'm on, lol.)
We get to the hotel. I check in, he says I'ma head to the bar, what you want, I said anything, lol. He said well Ima go post up at the bar. I said, cool, I need to get settled in my room, and I want to take a shower.
I walk back over to the bar, give him the key, and tell him the number. I told him I'd be back down in a bit, but I desperately needed a shower. Its typically the first thing I do when I get home from school (kids have germs bruh) I also had made the drive without stopping sooo um, yeah I needed a bath. I opened the door to the suite, took a look over, and loved what I saw. It had a great view of the lake, and downtown. I was pleased. I unzipped my bag, grabbed my travel bathroom bag, I tied my fro up on top of my head. I stood in front of the mirror, and slipped off my clothes. I do this most times. I take a once over, doing a quick survey. I closed that bathroom door, locked it and got in the shower. I even let a little bit of water get into my curls. It always seem to make my curls a little tighter, and even gives them a little boost.
I'm drying off, and I hear a weird knock on the door. I say out loud "Didn't I give you a key?" I jump into something that I can slip into. (hate putting clothes on right out the shower, the $h!t sort of sticks to your skin. LMAO) You know you know what I'm talking about. I open the door, this dude is standing in my door with a tray of drinks. I crack up laughing, Dude WTF! How'd you get so many drinks!? He starts crakkn up too. He said he dropped the bartender a $20 and he gave him a pretty good variety. lol. He said, You didn't say what you wanted so, um.. Yeah! lol. I help him with the tray, he puts his backpack down. I said, let me put my clothes on. He said what you have on is fine? I said yeah, but I haven't put on my lotion and stuff. (and stuff, I mean, panties, and a bra, and brushed my teeth, and stuff like that)
He turns the Tv on in the living area. I close the bedroom door, and proceed to apply my lotion 🧴, deodorant, panties, bra, and grab some jewelry out my bag. I lotion the tops of my feet because I've decided I'm going to wear my comfy sandals and my feet sweat something terrible, It would be a bad night If I put lotion on my feet. lmao.
I walk out, and plop down on the couch next to him. I proceed to eat my pizza, and partake in the drink buffet he brought into the room. lmao! We catch up and talk about current events, we talk about my work, his upcoming, and previous travels. I have a little bit of traveling to tell him about at the time, My zest for traveling wasn't in place yet. I was single and I knew it was something I wanted to do more. I just hadn't reworked my budget to start doing it the way I wanted. We laugh, crack jokes, share stories, he looks at his phone, and says, Man since you're so close its no rush to get back. I said, yeah it guess that is a good thing. He said how'd you pick this place? I said it was the perks, breakfast, and happy hour, lol. On the venue website, It said this place was close, I didn't realize it was THIS close, but nevertheless, I guess it was a good idea!
We talk.
Talk some more.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
He asks if I mind if he takes a shower.
I said, Nah of course not.
I go in and get my bag and wet towel out of the way.
I walk out and say, its all yours.
He goes in and closes the door.
I sit on the couch and continue to enjoy the drink buffet, lol.
I sample them all, party in my mouth, lmao!
I play around with my phone, go in the second room, and hook my Ipod to little clock radio, on the night stand. I just let some music play to keep the room from feeling so empty.
I put the tv on mute, and flip through the magazines in the room about things to do in the city.
The door opens, and homeboy comes out in a towel. 👀
I look, and then turn my head real fast. (I know I said lord Jesus in my head to myself)
I said, um, what are you doing?
He said, man, you got some lotion?
I said, I have some coconut oil, he said yeah thats perfect,
He said, I use that can I have some? I said yeah. I walked past him in the towel. (I could feel the heat off him, you know he just got out the shower) The hair on the back of my neck stands up a little. Which was weird because I know damn well this man is my friend, and I know damn well he's married. I give him the coconut oil, and turn around, and quickly close the door to the room. I walk straight back to my drink buffet, and grab a glass of red wine and down it in one gulp. I start thinking. We need to get the fuck out this room right fu(k!ng now. I do believe men and women can be friends, but the vibe was different, in just this moment. I yelled through the door, what time you wanna leave??? He said, um, well, since were so close its no rush. I pace back and forth, and shake my hands around nervously.. I grab another glass from the buffet, and down it. I said ok well just let me know when you're ready. I was ready. LOL. I was ready to get out of here.
I had another drink.
He came out the room, and starts doing some warm up techniques for the show.
I sit there watching, and drinking.
I asked him to let me try, He let out a hearty laugh, I'm a music teacher. I have basic knowledge of most musical instruments, but am I a virtuoso? HELL NO. lol.
I get up and go in the bathroom, to put on a little make up (even though I feel like it pointless in a dark club) He says that line that men say to compliment you. You know you don't even need makeup. (thats the shit that makes girl blush dudes, especially when you really mean the shit bro) That advice was free next time, Ill have to charge you.
I did the bare minimum, nothing too much.
We sat there, drank, and talked, and drank, and talked. Music was playing in the other room. He said Man, I love that song. I said me too! He starts ripping this shit on his practice pad. I was in shock an awe. I already knew he was talented, but it diff to hear it in a closed intimate space versus in a huge entertainment venue.
I looked at my watch, I said, you wanna make moves? He said nah. I had to do something to keep my mind occupied other than just sit there watching him rip that shit on that pad. I hopped up, went into the room, grabbed the dirty laundry bag out of the closet, and started to put my work clothes in the bag. I heard the tapping on the practice pad stop.
I froze for a second.
I looked down to my right to focus on the silence for a minute.
I knew he had gotten up from the couch.
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
I felt my heart rate slowly increase.
I sat down at the foot of the bed and looked at the city.
The city was so pretty from up top.
He sat down next to me.
I turned and looked at him. (he had this devilish grin on his face, all I could think was about he looked different to me in this moment. I felt attracted to him. Like I said, he wasn't really cute, but I was more attracted to his artistry. I didn't think it was possible but I was. It was a strange feeling that I had never really had towards him. I was trying to figure out if this was real? or if it was because of the alcohol.) I slapped him playfully on his thigh (to lighten the feelings I was having) I stoop up, and said, Let me get you to the venue.
He stood as well, somehow, we were standing face to face.
I remember us pressing agains each other in a carefree embrace, I could smell my own coconut oil on his clothing, it was soothing to me, it reminded me of freshness, and newness.
The moment seemed to stop time.
I remember our fingers interlocking as if they had done it before (when they hadn't)
It was like we were sixteen, but we weren't, we were grown as FCuK.
I felt like I knew this was bad.
I was single, but I knew I deserved more than someone else's husband.
In the moment, the chemistry we were now sharing I had with him seemed to supersede our friendship.
I felt my heart rate slow, my guard was coming down.
I felt chills come over my body, and felt my breasts stand at attention.
It seemed to flow down through my entire body.
For the first time, our lips were against each others.
He was tall so I had to tip-toe a bit, but he cupped his hands under my cheeks which was a little added support.
I pulled away quickly.
Man, we need to go. I paused my Ipod. I remember this song I love had just started to play.
See yall, me and music have this thing.
It always seems to be the soundtrack to my life, my situations.
This song opened up with this dope drum beat, and incredible guitar.
I stopped it right there.
I grabbed my keys, said, "Lets go"
We left.
We get there, and there is NO PARKING ANYWHERE.
Due to the fact that I have precious cargo, HIM. I knew I needed to think fast.
I remember sitting in my car watching him talk to the security thinking,
How in the fcuk is this gonna go?
The security guard walks to the front of my car, and puts me in front of the door.
I point and say out loud "right here?" inside my car, no one can hear me, but me.
He is directing me into the spot. I park, in the front, with no issues, I get out and give the security guard a wink, and give my boy a high-five. Good looking out. He laughs, I said have a good show. He walks through the back, I walk to the front.
I go to will call, and say my name. They asked how many tickets, I said "One" She pulled out two tickets, and two backstage passes. I said who is that for!? She said, "You," lol. I put the pass around my neck, and slipped the two tickets, and remaining pass in my cross body bag.
I walk in and do a look over of the venue. It reminds me of the Warehouse Live in Houston. I make my way to the bar. I place an order, I pull out my wallet to pay, and she says you're good. I said, oh is it open bar? She said, No, but apparently you're taken care of, I turn to look at the stage, and he's pointing at me. She said, Yeh, he came in and said he got you. I looked at him again, and I felt like, this was going to be an interesting night.
I started to look at my friend in a different light. I was hanging on to that moment that happened back at the hotel. It was an innocent kiss, but felt so heavy on my spirit, because truthfully, it wasn’t innocent. I found my mind wandering, and thinking about it, and what could've happened if had it gone on longer. I knew he was married, but I was having a hard time reminding myself that he was. I was starting to ignore my morals, and listen to this lust that was calling him, that was craving him. I kept trying to shake the feeling, but as the show progressed, I got more and more intoxicated, not just with alcohol but for what could be. I knew it my heart it was wrong, but my curiosity was getting the best of me. I had become enamored with the idea, the foundation for trust as friends was already in place, and I knew if I crossed that line that there would be no going back.
I danced, I sang, it seemed like during this show, there was no one there but me. I was free, I was floating on a feeling. I put my hands in the air, I could feel the heat from the lights every moment here and there across my face. I remember looking down and closing my eyes, and I heard my name.
I looked and it was a friend I had met some time ago. We hugged and enjoyed the rest of the show together. Even though she was right there next to me, she seemed to fade away. I was back alone with my thoughts. I was still drinking, and figuring out what I was feeling. I kept shaking my head at the thoughts, and kept saying, NO, you're not doing that.
The show ended.
I walked out to my car, hopped in and headed back to my hotel.
I got halfway down the street.
He called and said, "Where are you?"
I said, I'm damn near at the hotel.
He said, Come back and get me.
I took a deep breath, I felt my chest expand, my shoulders went up, and down.
I sat back in the drivers seat, and started to think, I cant promise myself that I wont do what Im thinking/feeling.
I was afraid of what I knew was going to happen.
But I still wanted it.
I turned around and, he was standing outside.
He hopped in, and we went back to the hotel.
We talked about the vibe of the show, and we agreed the energy was incredible.
We walked into the room, and the mood was different.
I grabbed the first glass, I saw, and sipped it. He grabbed one too.
We walked past the first room, and into the bedroom.
We had small talk about the show.
I started the music on my ipod again.
The thoughts in my head were too loud, and I needed a buffer.
The music started, on the same song that was on before.
Oh, baby, oh, baby Oh, we both know the truth If it were the real me and you This wouldn't be the right thing to do
Now the room is all hazy We're too lost in the fumes I feel like it's just me and you Yeah, we got nothing to lose
It's too late to run away from it all
It's too late to get away from it all
I'm done with running so I give it to you
This moment has caused a reaction
Resulting in a reattachment
Girl, you take me to Nirvana
I don't think this will last
'Cause you're here in my arms
Oh, baby, oh, baby
Oh, we both feel the same
I'm not gonna give you my name
And I don't think you want that to change
We're in this together We don't know who we are Even if it's moving too fast Maybe we should take it too far
It's too late to run away from it all
It's too late to get away from it all
I'm done with running so I give it to you
This moment has caused a reaction Resulting in a reattachment Girl, you take me to Nirvana I don't think this will last 'Cause you're here in my arms Well, you take me to Nirvana I don't think this will last 'Cause you're here in my arms
That's were he took me, to Nirvava
Nirvana is said to be a place of perfect peace and happiness, like heaven. I know such sin shouldn't be compared to it, but that's what it felt like. It was wrong on SO MANY LEVELS, but he elevated my sensual self, and took me to a place that I hadn't been in a long time. I felt like I had been removed from my body, and I was sitting back watching it happen. I could see my self sitting in a chair across the room, I was highly aroused by what I was watching. It was a beautiful mess. In Hinduism and Buddhism, nirvana is the highest state that someone can attain, a state of enlightenment, meaning a person's individual desires and suffering go away. I had actually transcended and this was apart of the cycle of my reincarnation. I knew what my morals were, I knew that I always said I wouldn't do this but here I was doing it.
Despite the feels, I kept going back to the idea that this was wrong. See when people say “It just happened” that’s bullshit. We both let our desires get the best of us, and we knew what we were doing. I felt like he wasn’t new to this, he was waaayy too comfortable. But again, sex for men and women is different. He was just fulfilling a physical desire. I was in a different mental head space. Not to mention I just felt like this should’ve been a nervous breakdown for both of us because I was freaking out even during. He was calm and cool, and collected.
There was an incredible sense of passion, it was strange because this was a place we had never been before.
My body responded to him in a way that was surprising to me. Ive had many situations where I faked an orgasm. Let me just be real. I can count on one hand how many times I've had that climactic experience with another human being having anything to do with it. It surprised me because my body was able to go there with ease with him. I believe it is because the mental connection was there. It was already in place. The physical part was easy. Too easy, which is why Married men should steer clear of single women.
We were like a well written orchestration of a song. He was the Bass, I was the Treble. We seemed to melt into each other. I felt that I had visited a new height in this moment. I was something that caused my breathing to be shallow, and short. I couldn't catch my breath. My eyes watered from what I remember. My tears ran down the sides of my face to my ears. The tears were cold once they hit the back of my neck.I was tangled in him, we were tangled in each other, our skin seemed to coexist like He was the chocolate, and I was the peanut butter.
I was ashamed of my feelings. I felt like I should've never let my body experience this. I became fearful that I wouldn't feel this with anyone else. It was so magnetic, it scared me. I knew all along, that I shouldn't have done this. I wondered if he felt the same thing.
Our friendship caused me to have clouded judgement. I felt so connected to him, but I wasn't because he belonged to someone else. I knew this was a dangerous road to travel, but we already on it. we were moving down it, like we had traveled this road before.
It was done.
We lay there, fulfilled and also so empty.
I remember falling asleep in his arms. (laying in a spot that belonged to another woman)
I looked up at him, and wondered what he was thinking, (I wondered if he felt the guilt I felt)
He lay looking at the ceiling.
I asked him if he was ok, he said yeah.. I'm good. (yeah he prolly was good, because he reached the same place I reached, more than once in this moment)
He didn't ask me right away, he waited a few minutes..
I think he knew I was on pins an needles.
He asked, you ok? (Honestly, I was having a mental breakdown because I wasn’t the girl to sleep with folks husbands. I always respected marriages, and understood with time that it was a covenant.)
I was hesitant to answer because I wasn't sure how to communicate what I was feeling.
I said very nervously.. Yeah? (I felt an incredible sense of guilt, and I couldnt shake the feeling)
We've been friends for a while, he knew I was having a hard time with he act we just engaged in, so he sealed the deal with a kiss on the left side of my forehead, just above my eye. (That meant shut it, and don't over think it. Without saying it I knew he wanted me to not get into it.)
I nestled back into a comfy position. (someone else's position)
Then.
Sleep. (we lay next to each other after we had become apart of each other)
We both slipped into darkness. (the absence of light)
All the ingredients mixed.
All in a bowl.
Despite what you may taste the most, in the moment.
They are all still very much there.
1 Beautifully sexy woman
1/2 a Married Man
1/4 cup of borrowed time
24 oz of disappointment
.5 of sex
1/2 Wife. (cuz even if you don't see her, she's in the mix.)
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