Peaceful.

Who is this N****

This man is handsome.

Beautiful brown skin

Seductive eyes

Clean cut

Lips made for kissing

Nice height.

Possibly Fit? but not Fat.

Cute AF.

But YOUNG.. (get cho young ass on.)

We chat casually.

He makes me smile.

His conversation is engaging.

He's intelligent.

We text.

We send pictures.

His pictures are much different than what he protrays, lmmfao. (in a good way)

We joke. I laugh. (giving him the side eye in my head)

There's an innocence about him, or so he says.

I was curious.

I was also tired at the same time.

I had just finished having my time wasted so I wasnt about that life.

He young anyway...

This man showed up.

Dripping in Finesse.

Swagged out.

(basically doing all the things that yall saying bout folks these days, lol)

He was becoming attractive, not just cute.

He was sexy, not just fit.

He was cool, and I started to look forward to hearing from him.

Sit cho young ass down.

We sat down for a casual bite.

The convo was great.

I pushed the convo a little far. (on purpose)

He handled that shit tho. (lil young ass)

We talked a while

We drank.

We had moments where there was no speaking.

Its time to go home, Its late, Its been a long day.

We stand across from each other.

Everything in my head said KISS him (with his young ass, lmmfao)

We hugged.

He felt good pressed against me.

His body was firm, and hidden by the layers of clothes he typically wears.

The hug lasted a bit longer than normal....I knew he felt it too

We said goodnight.

I followed behind him until it was time to make my exit.

I wanted to follow him wherever he was going, young ass, lol

Instead, I made my exit, and I went home.

He made me nervous. (this man, made me nervous)

He made me excited.

He gave me butterflies (not fruit flies, inside joke, lmmfao #biology)

Time passed, and he was still around.

He was present.

He didnt allow room for anyone else to have my attention.

He was also mysterious, which made me nervous.

But the time that we committed to each other,

helped to ease some of those doubts in my head

His voice was raspy, but it was the first thing I heard from my phone after the alarm.

I stretched, I started by arching my back,

and then let the wave go through the rest of my body.

As I sit on the side of my bed, a chill goes across my body,

they stand erect from the cool air.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up as well.

I rub my hands vigorously across my skin to warm it up.

I move into the bathroom, to the throne, and then to the shower.

I stood with my eyes closed and I felt the water trickle down each curve of my body.

(he is on my mind, invading my thoughts)

I was also thinking (don't stay in here too long)

I hurry to get dressed

I feel like the bag lady as I grab my things heading to work.

I hop in the whip.

I hear my ring tone, I answer.

I hear his voice echo through my speakers.

I imagine other people seeing me talk out loud to myself in my Jeep, smiling, laughing, and flirting with him thougn the air waves.

I work.

I work more.

I work hard.

He checks on me.

I check on him.

I'm home.

I eat.

We facetime.

I shower.

I nestle into my bed.

I miss him (What the entrie fuck, I miss HIM.)

I hear his voice as we slip into darkness.

He the last thing on my mind, and the first in the morning.

I claimed him. (with his young ass)

He was mine. (with his young ass)

I felt weird saying it outloud.

I know what I felt but I couldnt articulate it.

I struggled with the words to put together to actually say it.

The young one who I once doubted, was afraid to entertain, who I worried what others would think about, a situation that made me anxious turned into this...

No doubts

No fears.

No worries.

No anxiety.

Just an addition...

An addition to my Peace.

---

So, I did a quick google search. I knew what I belived it meant to be peaceful, but I wanted to see what the actual meaning was according to Webster. Here's what came up...

Free from disturbance.

Tranquil.

Calm.

Restful.

Pleasant.

Quiet.

Still.

Relaxing.

Not involving war,

or violence.

harmonious

I don't know about you guys, but all that shit sounds appealing AF. Right? I mean seriously go back and read it..

As the world right now is riddled with anxiety, fear, pressure, and confusion I think it’s important that we take a look at what brings us peace. I posted the official definition of peace, however ”peace” is such a broad term that reaches us differently.

Peace for you may be getting out and getting a quick walk or jog. It may be talking with your family or going to the grocery store and walking up and down each aisle just to see people. You might find peace sitting in the house alone/with your family waiting for this all to end.

I can honestly say this is the first time in a long time that I haven’t been exhausted. I’ve had the opportunity to catch up with friends I haven’t talked to in a while. My Dad has had more time to get on my nerves lol, I’ve had time to connect with a person in my life that gives me all the damn feels... lawd, and In the midst of trying to make the most of this very strange time, I seem to find myself centered, calm, and honestly I realized that I should take this time to "Reset"

I keep my mind occupied by working daily, trying to workout, binge watching television, cooking recipes, paying off frikkn debt, and other times I actually find myself thinking and contemplating on things that pop in and out of my thoughts. (Basically I know I want to do better, live a better life, be a better human being, and I know with that comes dedication and consistency, and at times even sacrifice.)

I said all that yada yada to segue into the main purpose for this post, peace. (Lol) my ass will ramble and ramble I kid you not.

I came across this page on Instagram called “Rising Woman.” It popped up one day in my explorer page and I’ve been hooked on it every since. The page communicates with readers about spirituality, healing, and the conscious relationship. (If you dont know what any of that is, go follow, it wont benefit me if you follow, but it might benefit you!) These are some of the posts that inspired THIS blog entry!

One of the biggest things that has stood out about the posts on the page, are about moving forward in life in regards to relationships and the general understanding of relationships. It taps into many feelings that we share becuase of our experiences, as well as how these feelings shape us. I know my expereinces with relationships had defintely created this "being" that I am. These posts brought up something that struck a nerve (in a good way, but it got me thinking) The thing that stood out the most for me, was the mention of a "healthy love"

What is a Healthy Love?

People in a relationship that is healthy can think independently and are willing and able to articulate their wants and needs to partners. Healthy partners love their own lives while still being open to growth, progress, and evolution with a partner.

You feel comfortable setting boundaries and you're confident that the other person will respect those boundaries. They cheer for you when you achieve something, support your hard work and dreams, and they appreciate you. You value one another's beliefs and opinions, and love one another for who you are as a person.

In a nut shell, they got your got damn back, they're your biggestfan, and they'll probably end up being one of your best friends. Now here's the good part. Although I've listed these characterisitcs of a healthy relationship, this doesnt mean that it wont be without struggle, or that you may have some of your personal traumas creep back into this healthy relationship. I admit it, some of those things pop in, and they threaten my peace.

My abusive relationship took me to a deep dark place, a place that I had never been. It challenged me so much, and taught me so much about myself. I was miserable AF but I stayed with this N**** (ninja, lol because I didnt want to be alone, and I didnt want to start over) It was almost as if it took me out of who I was. It took a lot of work, and forgiveness to myself. Even now, sometimes I give myself a hard time because shit happens, and it triggers some of those feelings. In those moments, It makes me feel like I'm not completely healed.

But I chatted with a great friend of mine, and she said, "Crystal, for one, you're human, and its a sign that youre not willing to go back to that place you were when you were in that relationship." It has made me so much more cautious and the "RED FLAGS" people used to warn us about in relationhips and how we over look them? I dont do that shit anymore, lol. If I see the shit, I say something, or I remove myself. I don't sit around too long for someone to make me feel worthless, or less than. I did that long enough and its time out for that shit. Which is why, my "peace" is so important to me. (Side note, NO one is exempt, If its a chic, a coworker, a family member, a friend, an acquaintance that thinks they my friend, tuh! Im outta here. Head high, unbothered, lol)

The fact is, I have an amazing person in my life, and I worry about those things that bubble up. I know this.... You will have disagreements, uncomfortable or difficult conversations and situations pop up, but I love the way he handles me when I bring it to him. He's patient, calm, and sometimes when words fail? He just sits with me in silence, and it is everything. There is a calmness about him that I love. He allows me to stand infront of him naked, (figuratively, lol) with all my shit, and he sees through it to see who I really am. Literally (if im naked in front of him, I don't stand a chance, its going down, lmmfao)

So listen to this shit, but do what you want.. When it gets real?? Keep your cool. Have a friend you can call when you start going down that "rabbit hole" (We all saw what happenend to Alice when she took her ass down there. It was nothing but fucking confusion, she almost got burned, chased a fucking rabbit, went to a tea party that she was late for that she wasn't invited to, eat all kinda shit that fcuked her up made her big, made her small, lmmfao, a mess chile lol) Also, just give yourself some time to process whatever it is your feeling, self soothing is a thing. I spend alot of time in my own head, and it can be a dangerous place. (I also think its important to not just have a friend, but a partner you can have those talks with. I feel safe talking thorough shit with him, and I feel its ok to say the shit that bounces around in my head, like an old school screen saver ball, lol)

Be kind and don't lash out. (Despite all the things that go on in my head, he deserves the best version of me, even when I'm upset. I try my best to communicate with him openly, honeslty, and while I'm thinking and trying to figure out how to say whatever it is that I feel, I'm actually easing myself into being vulnerable.

With him, I focus on the present. There is no need in those moments to bring up old shit, or dig it up because we communicate in a way that allows us to close those chapters, and move on to the new shit.

Say you're sorry. I always feel like it is something about apologizing when you're wrong. (yea, I know, sometimes you just mad as fuck and be like, Im not saying sorry fuck that shit, lol) Sometimes you apologize becuase you hurt the other person. What I love so far, is that we created this dynamic where we communicate from a place that you don't have to apologize from. Don't get it twisted, We still get on each others nerves, and mess up, but were figuring shit out, and I actualy like this M0th#rf(uker, so I actually try really hard, lol.

So I digress, this was the post that honestly got me to thinking. (mainly the second sentance)

I read this, and I considered the feelings that come up with dating and being in a new relationship.

I considered all the work that I had done, and expereinced in counseling. I remember the counselor saying, you wont be able to see how much you've grown until you actually have to use what you've learned in a relationship. (so basically if I didn't give myself an oportunity to experience love and shit, I wouldn't be able to try out my new wheels, lol (in a sense, Ha Ha)

Im gonna break this shit down a little more, lol. It says that A healthy relationship can almost feel boring like there’s no passion or excitement. I do believe that when relationships are formed in discord, they have a tendency to keep you anxious, on edge, and sometimes confused. This can easily be confused with excitement or passion. (I honestly experienced that feeling, Is this relationship lack luster because its calm, because we communicate without shouting, because our love is sweet, its easy, is this how its supposed to be? OR is this shit just boring AF, lol)

---

That’s one of the things we always hear people who are cheating talking about right? They say that it’s exciting it’s a rush. And if the person happens to leave the relationship there actually committed to, they find that the passion is gone from the cheating relationship. (The chaos and dysfunction subsides, and basically that shit is unhealthy AF

---

All these feelings can harbor anxiety, and make it hard for you to trust the person. Not just one specific person, but to trust PERIOD. The post continues to go on and talk about how healthy relationships are something we have to learn how to be in. Much like the negative relationships that we are sort of used to.

When you’re used to communicating ineffectively you tend to do that in most of the aspects of your life. You do that with your work, with your friends, with your family, and especially those who are closest to you. (I hate it when my dad slips up in the way I communicate. Ive had two guys tell me I repeat myself. The EXACT same thing my Dad does, it drives me crazy, lmmfao)

Most of us spend so much time in negative relationships, that when a good one comes along were either too afraid to actually get into it, (for fear of the shit blowing up in our faces, and not wanting to get hurt, or not looking like an idiot ) At times, we even sabotage it simply because we don’t know how to handle it. I know for me personally I proceed with caution, and fear drives my behavior. Don't forget even when the relationship is healthy those same things will creep in, its not unlikely that you wont feel those feelings ever again, but its about how you handle yourself when it does come up.

"I remember being with my ex and always feeling inadequate, not good enough, not pretty enough, not enough woman, not sexy enough, not smart enough, just NOT ENOUGH. I find that at times those things are deeply embedded in me, and although I've worked really hard to address those feelings, even the sweetest most respectful guy can tap into some of those deficits. It feels like a familiar place and it sucks.

Being in a healthy relationship is literally an adaptation to a new normal. (Especially if ya ass never had one, lol) Our nervous systems and brains literally have to adjust. (Yep, it’s a pattern of behavior) Now look here, I hate to give that horrible relationship so much life, but the shit really helped me realize what I'm built for. I learned...

Boundaries are good - Once we are really clear about what our boundaries are, and we stop seeing them as bad things, we actually get very clear about what is unacceptable. You have to teach a MoFo how to treat you. They don't know whats good for you. I mean we all have a general idea of right from wrong, but there are things that you just gotta let folks know. (Me for example, I don't like for people to "bullshit" me. Just live in your truth, say what the fuck is really going on, and let me decided if I can get with it or not, and just be real with yourself, no one knows you better than you)

Views (just think of drake saying the shit) - It has been my expereince that that relationship has caused me to have a different perspective on things. A new perspective about what you might have looked over in the past. There are certain non negotiables and expereinces like this relationship makes me more self aware, and defintiely more aware of others. If I sense that the person acts in a way that makes me uncomfortable, I find myself stronger at taking a stand, and most importantly, protecting my peace. (Some things can be worked through, but some things??? BITCH RUN.) lol.

Dealing with ASS-Holes becomes easier. - So once you are very clear about keeping your peace and your sanity, Its important for you to keep boundaries in mind, and you will find you have a lot more.. how do I put this eloquently... FUCKING SENSE. In the last few years I can think of two people who I let in my life that didn't stand a chance. I didn't like the way they moved, the way the communicated, the way the brought up some of those feelings of abuse. (yes it can happen with anyone) I can sense it well before they show their hands. Listen to that gut feeling. I do.

You are more resilient - No matter how I make it cool and fancy with my words regarding this shit, it was still abuse, and it was a traumatic experience The shit changed me. I felt REALLY broken for a while, and while I'm experiencing love again, I can see that relationship for what it really was. I needed it to transform. To transform my way of thinking, and my behavior. That experience has made me indestructible. It has caused me to create this great space.

Let me tell you something...

I have met one of the most consistent men I've have ever had the pleasure of crossing paths with in this life. He has personality, an incredible sense of humor, and he hasn't wasted my got damn time yet...

He listens to my ass, He's imperfect, but perfect.

He doesnt make me wonder if he's going to call, show up, be honest, if he trying, if he's into me, if he's paying attention, (unless something good is on TV, lol)

He treats me as if Im enough (well, the truth is, I KNOW I'm enough, but he doesn't make me doubt what I already know to be true.)

When my mind becomes clouded with thoughts that are unhealthy, he calms me, just being him.

He doesnt interrupt my peace. He has come in, and fit into it, if not made it better. I don't give a damn who I meet at this point in my life, I'm not willing to risk my peace for ANY ONE. PERIOD.

you betta get you some, lol.