Recipe for disaster (The last Supper)

He wakes me, to say, I need to get back to the venue to head to the next city.

We get dressed, Head to the parking garage where my car is, and I take him back.

We hug, and another kiss given on the cheek. I watch him get out, and walk around the front of my car, and he looks at me as he walks away.

He waves, I wave, and I see him step into the tour bus.

I drive back to the hotel in silence.

I feel empty.

I feel a huge sense of guilt coming over me.

I lost confidence in myself.

But it was a weird feeling because it was pleasurable but it wasn't at the same time.

I made my way back.

I walk through the lobby, like a zombie, onto the elevator.

Without him, which is how it should be.

Because He isn't mine.

He wasn't mine to share that with.

The deed was done.

The ingredients were all mixed in.

There was no turning back at this point.

No matter what happened now? It was done.

The beauty of our innocent friendship was now tainted by sex.

Our friendship was really beautiful.

I would be excited to hear from him to catch up and for him to share his crazy tour stories.

Life on the road seems glamorous, from the standpoint of an elementary school teacher.

It seemed exciting to pick up and go!

Go to sleep in one city, and wake up in another.

All while doing something you love.

But as I talked to him more and more, It sort of drove a wedge between his profession and his reality.

Gone all the time, which is considered a fast paced life.

Then coming home to what can almost seem boring.

I wondered if he ever missed "home" by home I mean his wife.

I also wondered if he missed me. (sad thought to have right? but I thought it)

I also came to think I'm probably just the Houston flavor today.

I wondered if I was special to him.

I wondered if what we had surpassed what he may have had with others.

The elevator dings.

It sort of shakes me out of the trance I was in.

I proceed to walk down the walkway to my room.

I slip the key into the door, and I walk into the room,

I look at the now empty buffet of drinks

I walk past the bathroom, I see the towel that was once wrapped around him on the floor.

I see the slept in bed now looking different to me.

I take a shower to somehow wash off the nights act.

I get out, and I can still feel it on me.

I can still feel him.

I lay down, the city I once thought was so beautiful looked different to me.

I laid down, and normally I slip into the most sound sleep.

I was restless, I tossed and turned.

I would finally fall asleep, and then open my eyes, and then I would realize only a short amount of time had passed.

I hear my phone, its him.

He says, Hey I'm calling to check on you, Are you ok?

I just blurted out, Idk wtf just happened, I can't believe we did that.

He said, yeah, It surprised me too.

We had that friendship for as long as we could remember.

I knew it would never be the same now.

He consoled me as best he could, because now I was starting to beat myself up.

I knew I would have to live with that guilt for a while, but I also know that in order to move past this I needed to assure that my actions would be different going forward.

But I was afraid that they wouldn't.

As bad as it felt, it felt damn good too, and that's what I believe I struggled with the most.

He told me about being married.

Despite the "understanding" I know damn well she didn't want her man doing this.

Unless she was somewhere doing the same?

See, this is the mind trying to rationalize the behavior, the deed that was committed.

This is guilt, and lust all combined into one.

This is selfishness.

The minds desires to want this, knowing its wrong.

If you're a woman, and you're reading this then I apologize to you, for I admit my feelings for him were strong and I let my desires get the best of me.

If you can't begin to understand what I'm feeling.

Then I apologize for that too.

My feelings for him grew stronger.

My thoughts and judgement were so clouded.

I thought I started to feel like I loved him.

I felt like he loved me too.

I started to feel weak and helpless with my feelings for him.

I started to fear that I would never feel this with anyone else.

It became too much to bear.

I felt myself starting to lose touch with my own reality.

It was even at one point we (more so me) decided that it needed to stop.

And yes, he was doing this all over the world with whoever else, and no there wasn't a conversation about it, but it was just something I had come to put together on my own.

Due to the distance, It was easy to say that.

Because we never saw each other.

It was done.

I went on about my business.

We didn't talk as much.

I got into a relationship.

With a got damn fool.

A textbook narcissist.

If you're not familiar with narcissistic behavior that will be another post for another day. If you weren't born in my era, then this picture gives you a clear idea of what happens when you deal with a narcissistic person. He had me fooled too.

Any way after years of tormenting behavior, during this time with this guy, I stayed faithful to him. I did this because I couldn't catch a break in this relationship.

I stayed faithful out of fear. (sounds scary but true)

I should've walked away from the relationship may times.

I should've kept walking like I did down 288 (a free way in Houston) barefoot in a party dress because I couldn't take the arguing anymore.

I told you I was all jacked up so I wasn't thinking straight.

I spent the majority of my time in this relationship trying to right ALL my wrongs.

I didn't want him to have any ANY other ammunition to be able to use against me, because his gun was always fully loaded. EVERY DAY IT WAS SOMETHING.

IT was always centered around something I had done.

It was emotionally exhausting. (physically it took a toll on me)

Just know with a narcissist it will always be YOU.

YOU will ALWAYS be the problem. I digress..

So my special narcissist told me he wanted to be closer to me by wanting me to share all of myself with him. By sharing myself, that meant he wanted to know ever partner I ever had, all of my family secrets, my friends secrets, my insecurities, just any and everything, but the majority of those details were centered around intimate relationships, here are a few..

• Who was the person?

• do you still talk to them?

• when was the last time?

• have I ever met them? (meaning has he ever met them/seen them/been in the same room with this person, been at the same grocery store with the person/been in the same gym at the same time, on the same freeway, in the same restroom, lmao)

• what position?

• how many times?

• was their penetration?

• was there a climax?

• why did I choose him?

• what date?

• what time?

• where?

It made me feel humiliated but by now I was under the "brainwashed" narcissistic spell. So I humiliated myself daily to keep him happy, meanwhile I was miserable, having suicidal thoughts (wanting to lay down and not wake up), not taking care of my self, (personal hygiene) losing weight (total I lost about 11 lbs,) slacking at my job, (getting to work late EVERYDAY (everyone knows I'm a really punctual person), not doing my lesson plans, not meeting deadlines, taking my anger out on my student's, doing the bare minimum to get by) alienating myself from my family, (couldn't deal with the judgement, but they were the only ones who were actually praying for me) and my framily. (friends who were like family to me)

So back to this recipe for disaster, I made the mistake of being "open" and telling him about my decision to have an intimate relationship with this friend of mine. Psychology Today says that people who suffer from this disorder enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. (this one was no different) Many narcissists are oblivious to their negative and often self-destructive behavioral patterns. It took mine YEARS to realize some of the damage he had done, and although he apologized, it literally meant nothing to me to hear the apology.

IN most cases, according to Psychology today, Narcissists are unable to relate to individuals as equals. Narcissists either take an inferior position and defer to you, or a superior position and presume that they’re in some ways better than you. Both the superior and inferior postures are calculated to sway you to give them what they want – such is the purpose of relationships to them.

Based off this last point, it brings me back to my friend turned affair. The facts are, I had an intimate relationship with a married person. (so did my narcissist) I was ashamed of what I had done, and had made a point to put it behind me and not make the same mistake again. Like a fool, I shared my experience with my narcissistic "boy"friend. I was not the person I am today, I was not in my right mind the majority of that relationship, so I admit it was very stupid at the time, but it was a decision based off my mental status at the time. #unstable

I can't remember exactly how it all went down, but he wanted to make sure I was completely embarrassed and humiliated so here goes....

My ex contacted my friend's wife to let her know what had happened between us. I know what you're thinking. How? Well we are in the age of social media my friends. It was just a few clicks before he found her information on the internet. He took some time out of his day to call her, and say my girlfriend (which wasn't true, I was not with him during any of this time) slept with your husband. I don't know all of what she was told because I wasn't with the bastard when this happened. I knew he was going to contact her because he told me he was.

I called my friend and had to tell him what I had done, and also what was about to happen. I felt horrible, and ashamed. He said I told you, that you couldn't tell anyone about this. I said I know I was just trying to start fresh in this relationship and be completely honest with him. He said, well from what you've told me in our casual conversations dude sounds like a real @$$ hole. I said yeah, he has done a lot, well most, well.. ALL things tragic in my life. Facts, my friend and I weren't sleeping together anymore, but we were still friends. (dangerous game to play, yes I know)

But truthfully It made me sit back and look over the last few years of all the drama and turmoil that had stemmed from this relationship. My life was in shambles because of this relationship. I lost the majority of the friendships that were important to me, but I didn't have the strength to fight for them, as well as my relationship with him.

This takes me back to the strong connection I had with this person in my life that was married. You see, he and I were truly friends before we went there. I somehow wanted to fight for my friendship with him, but as I said before I knew things would never be the same.

It was done.

I knew it was only a matter of time before the wife would call me, and say her peace. It was nothing she could've said to me that would've hurt me because my ex made sure he called me every name that was explicit under the sun. As well as took a stab at my confidence daily. I was numb to anything she could've said. I was just more so wanting to get the conversation over with.

Then it happened.

A random number popped up on my phone.

I knew it was her so I answered.

Hello?

Yes, May I speak to the woman who fucked my husband? (It was almost comical, but I knew she was hurt and needed to get it out. By now this had all happened about 8 months ago.)

I responded, "This is she"

Well what do you have to say for yourself?

I said, "I'm sorry."

She said "Did you enjoy fucking my husband?" (why is she asking me dumb $hit? I wanted to say, yes girl, I did, that's why I did it. But I responded)

I said. "I did at the time, but I knew it was wrong."

She said. "So you just go around fucking peoples husbands."

I said. "No this it first time I've done this."

She said. "What do you do."

I said. "I'm a music educator."

She said. "Oh you must have a strong affinity to music?"

I said. "What!?"

She said. "Are you dumb?" (again, I almost laughed. I almost laughed because affinity is not a word from the thesaurus we need to be using right now. just get to the point and ask the fcuk!ng questions you want the answers to. I guess she was trying to make me feel inadequate by using this word. I knew what it meant I said, "WHAT!" because I thought it was unnecessary.)

She repeated, "So you must have strong affinity * connection to music."

I said "Yes, I do."

She said, "Oh so you're just a groupie!?" (I think she thought it would hurt me.remember I have a narcissist for a strength and condition coach on slander. this is nothing little girl.)

I said, "Well depending on how you look at it, yes. if someone who loves music and enjoys live concerts is a groupie, then I'm that. "

She said, "Well just stay away from my husband."

I said, "ok"

She said "How may times have ya'll done this."

I repeated the story he and I discussed. Strangely enough, I still wanted to protect him, as well as my relationship with him, as friends.

You would think I'd want to protect myself. I didn't care about myself much anymore. I was just going through it all day to day. Thinking which night I would actually sleep and not wake up. I was tapped out, and this little conversation was nothing to me.

I could hear him in the background, and I also heard her tell him to shut up. I believe he was trying to plead his case to her, while I was on the phone, but she wanted to hear it from me. I sat there in my best friends living room, with a bottle of anxiety medication prescribed by a doctor in my hand. With my blood pressure through the roof.

She repeated, "Stay away from my husband" (the call was disconnected.) She hung up.

I sat there in silence.

Unable to formulate the words to say what I was feeling.

I just knew I wanted to go to sleep.

I popped two anxiety tablets, and made my way to my best friends master bedroom.

I wake up, I am vomiting in her toilet, Oh did I forget to say I wasn't eating?

yeah that's why I lost weight.

I was very sick, mentally, and physically, and especially emotionally.

I mustered up enough strength and courage to go downtown to the DA's office to file a restraining order. I knew this needed to be the end. Just FYI ladies, in order to file a Restraining Order, a Police report had to have been filed. I only qualified for a protective order. Which was put in place to protect me, and also keep his distance from me.

They called him at work to let him know that this was in place. He told my representative, "Did she tell you she slept with a married man?" The lady said, "No, she didn't say that, but she did say she doesn't want to have anything else to do with you. That's the nature of the call." He hung up on her.

She told me, he would call back because that's what "they" all do. She and I sat in silence for a few minutes, and the phone rang, and it was him.

His tone had changed because he now knew it was serious. He said I don't want this on my record. She said, good, well stay away from her, and it wont be.

He later called Ronald Cole, (My Daddy) to tell him, "You think your daughter is so great, and you think so highly of her, but she slept with a married man." My Dad said, Its none of my damn business who she sleeping with, she a grown woman. And I don't appreciate you calling me to "Tell on her." As embarrassing as this was, It made my Dad and I get closer. NO I didn't want him to know that about me, but strangely enough, it made us have a real conversation about it. He said, "You must've really liked this guy?", I said, "I did Daddy, we were really friends, and it clouded my judgement, and I was intimate with him. He said "are you still now?" I said "No, and I don't think we will be friends anymore after this." He said "you guys probably shouldn't be." I knew he was right, and that was the end of it. "

Me and my Dad

The ingredients.

1 Beautifully sexy woman

1/2 a Married Man

1/4 cup of borrowed time

24 oz of disappointment

.5 of sex

1/2 Wife. (cuz even if you don't see her, she's in the recipe.)

Optional Ingredients:

Self Respect

A scorned man

Broken hearts

Pain and Suffering.

You read this right? You see all the $h!t that happened because of my choice?

Despite everything that happened regardless of what a H03 @$$ Ninja my ex was, this is all my fault. I should not have let this happen. I could've avoided hurting myself, my friend, and his wife. I could've spared myself the embarrassment of having this conversation with my Dad as well. All of this was centered around a selfish act between me, and someone who belonged to another person.

All of this hurt like HELL. But it was because of my action.

Live, and Let your life so Live.

Hopefully my mistakes can help someone else, it definitely helped me.

I am forever changed.

Next recipe, coming soon....