Into the Gray.

This is about a short lived summer romance... and a sermon that seemed to be the closing chapter of this relationship. They say God always sends you what you need when you need it. I guess he did that for me.

I wake.

I look at the clocks on my wall.

It 6:35 am.

I slip out of bed, I hear honey breathing, and rustling in the covers.

(I swear she feels this bed is hers, says all dog owners everywhere. lol)

My bare feet hit the cool wood floors.

My body feels warm. (I almost want to get back in bed)

Its early, but I know the sun is coming up soon.

I walk past the chair in my bed room there is a pair of shorts there.

I rub my hands across them, as I tip toe to my bathroom.

My skin feels like a basketball as a chill goes over my body.

My little B Cups rise to the occasion from the cold air.

I'm up early enough to get the 8 am service.

I hadn't missed it in a while.

A certain gentleman took me to church with him,

He didn't know it, but it somewhat re-ignited my complicated relationship with God.

I mean but aren't most relationships complicated?

Or is it just people who make the ish complicated?

Or is it that we don't communicate our expectations up front?

Therefore leading to confusion, AKA the "Gray area"

I digress. Lets focus. I'll get back to that.

I position myself so I can truly focus on the word without distraction.

I love music, but on Sunday, I just want to hear the word. I purposely get there 30 minutes after the start time so I can can hear just that. "The Word"

The name of the sermon is "Pain Killers" from his Summer Jams series.

He asks how do we handle life when it's a pain?

I think about how I feel when I'm in pain, and how I handle it.

Depending on the depth of my pain I feel I respond differently.

Sometimes, I throw up a middle finger and keep moving.

Other times, I throw myself into the gym (like I already do, lol)

There are even times I find myself in such a deep state of thought,

It makes me over analyze things, and can cause me to slip into a depressive state. (this is where you need to get up and get moving)

During those really dark times, I find myself enclosed in my house, only interacting with my girlfriends on my cell.

The sermon proceeds to teach us that sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways...

I think back on a recent experience where alcohol made some things a bit foggy.

I was comfortable. (maybe a bit too comfortable)

I felt safe. (but my safety net was being stretched across the room pretty thin.)

I was having the time of my life.

My insecurities crept out. I usually keep them mashed down pretty low, but sometimes they bubble up, especially when alcohol is involved.

Or especially when the person I'm supposed to be with magically makes his way to every single lady in the room and cant contain his real deep down desire to be truly single.

I thought of all the times the nights were bad. (Honestly??? Not too many I can count in the last 6 blissful years of my life, but this night took me to a place I hadn't been in a while.)

It was in this night I started to question my growth.

I wondered if all these years of growth really weren't growth at all, and if I had somehow made it all up in my mind.

It is also in this moment that I realize,

I didn't feel responsible for this, because I wasn't. Emotions were running high.

I was disappointed in myself because, I knew that my actions were warranted by the behavior someone else was exhibiting.

We all know we can not let someone else's actions have an effect on our behavior.

(but who am I kidding we all fall short)

I find that this other person at this party seems to be showing interest in me.

All he was really doing was being fine, and having a conversation with me. lol

I mean but how could this perfect stranger show interest in me? The Nerve of him!

Seriously, He had to know that the guy running around the room, being the hooka refresher, talking to every girl, being the life of party, flirting, tossing girls in the pool, hanging on the shoulders of girls, and occasionally slapping a booty or two was with me right? lmmfao! (read that again...)

So check this out... Here is a little tip for you ladies, and yes its free.. Narcissists can’t deal with reality because it contradicts what they want to be true, and this creates painful emotions for them. As a coping mechanism, they learn to delude themselves that what is real is actually NOT real, and however they see the situation is real, even though it really isn’t.

I KNOW what I saw. I KNOW what I felt, I KNEW what was happening. On another note, the guy at the party that seemed to show interest was tall, (6'7 to be exact, because I asked) he was attractive, extremely intelligent, had decent conversation, and all the time I was "alone" at this party left plenty of time and space for me and this Broker to have a chill conversation.

However the person I came with that would've seemed to occupy this space, felt threatened by this incredibly handsome person that was chilln' by me for a bit. I was communicating with this man in a respectful manner and still trying to honor the fact that I was here with someone else.

I mean, dude I was with, was so creative and had really given me a new lease on the idea of a relationship. He seemed sweet, he was attractive, and yes I was attracted to him lol, and we had so much fun together. He always seemed to have some unique date he would take me on. It really made me appreciate that little thing about him. It was nice to have someone that put some thought into making sure I had a good time when we were together. Always different. But listen here (narcissists will have you fooled, lol) The adoration is so intoxicating that you may ignore the fact that it's way too soon to be planning/ even considering a future together. Their "wooing" makes you blind to certain things. There's two ways you can look at or see this. If your guy insists on planning out the entire date, it could be a fun sweep-you-off-your feet experience, but it could also signal something far more ominous: someone who demands that everything always goes their way. (hard to peep game, but you can see it my friends if you really take the time to analyze it.) I digress

We had great convo, and usually found ourselves laughing like the best of friends. I truly felt like the chemistry we had was out of this world. I didn't have that forever feeling because I don't go into situations anymore thinking about forever. I just try to live in the moment and think about the present.. the "now." For today, this was my moment, I was living in it and having the time of my life.

He said that pain always comes before promotion.

Promotion.

A sense of elevation.

According to the dictionary - activity that supports or provides active encouragement for the furtherance of a cause, venture, or aim.

I felt I had been promoted.

Not because of anyone else, but because I knew I was rocking at this thing called life.

This time I happened to be rocking in this

"relation-situation-confusing-wtf-do-you-call-this-ship."

I honestly didn't have a true understanding of

what it was that we were doing but I was killing it, lol.

I was in ignorance and bliss. Just happy as Fcuk.

Smiling.

Floating.

Enjoying.

Taking Pictures.

Feeling butterflies and stuff.

It was magical.

This was was a refreshing Cucumber Spritzer on a hot summer day.

Garnished with lime, freshly sliced cucumber, and freshly muddled mint. (yummy)

In a cracked glass. Yep you read that right.

I hadn't noticed it yet, but after much thought,

I realized I had come in contact with yet another narcissist.

If I had to relive all the events of that night, honestly I would be utterly confused.

It started with my guy and I having an amazing night at a wedding, and then heading back into town. We made our way to a pool party one of his homegirls was having.

I slipped into a swimsuit, and poured my happy self a drink.

We were at the party having a good time, and the alcohol started flowing.

As I get acquainted with a bottle of Rum, My dude starts flitting (is that a word? If it isn't I want it to be. lol. I checked it is. boom. Lmao) around hat turned to the side like Will Smith on his way to Bel-air. He had the build of a soft skinny guy. You know that skinny just because you are, but the type of body you can tell doesn't work out?? Yeah that kind of body. (Yes I have a type) LMBO. I like em Tall, Lean, Clean cut/well groomed, Beards are nice, but not necessary, but I like em. Tattoos are a weak spot for me, lmbo.

It ended with me attempting to take full responsibility for everything that went wrong. (side eye) lol. Please note, Narcissists simply want to know that they are in the right. For that, they need other people’s false validation to regulate their shaky self esteem. They need to find people who would agree with them. And in order for others to agree with them, these other people either need to be terribly unhealthy and unable to recognize their toxic tendencies, or the narcissist needs to lie and present a different story than what is actually true.

Apparently by the time I got up the next morning he had talked to a few people who said he should wash his hands with me. In the moment, I was hungover and highly irritated because I just knew after a night of rest he would've come to his senses and taken responsibility for his actions in the matter. TUH! (not a narcissist) He said the whole night was my fault and he made sure he stood his ground in terms of saying it was all my fault.

In regards to me, I just wish I would've pulled him aside and asked him to politely put his P3n!$ away. I handled it the best way I could. I went in the bathroom to call my friends to talk me off the ledge. The old me would've embarrassed him, ruined the party, cursed out a few hoes, and been ready to go. (see I knew I had grown, lmao)

He said not understanding the purpose of pain makes it unmanageable,

but when the purpose is understood you can manage through it.

The sermon proceed to touch on the fact that we all experience pain, and even suffering at some time in our lives. While our natural reaction to pain is to avoid it, get rid of it, or numb it; we need to realize that God allows pain. In fact, our suffering is a sign of God's love.

I know what you're thinking, reading this doesn't sound like she truly experienced pain. But I did. I felt as if I had strong bond with this person. After 3 1/2 (4 months if I'm honest) I honestly thought that the connection we shared was really something special. It felt as if we had a lot of room to grow. Enough of a snowball roll to want to continue to see what it could grow into. As hard as it usually is to let your guard down, I did it after keeping it up for a while. I said ima just go for it. If it doesn't work, I can walk away with all the comfort in knowing I did the best I could. That is the mentality I take into each situation. I don't think about the end, I just focus on the present, and take it one day at a time.

If I had to say it from my perspective. Id' say this, we were on a really good path to something great. We complimented each other well, and we seemed to have a knack for communicating pretty well. Our chemistry in the bedroom was pretty good.... Some have salami some have hot dogs I believe the effort has a lot to do with the level of pleasure in the special place, lol. I didn't really have any complaints in that area, but I will say that he seemed to satisfy me mentally, physically, and even spiritually.

I noticed there were times nearing the end of summer when the vernacular was sounding as if it was coming to a close. for example;

"This has been the best summer"

"You have really made this summer special"

"I think its time for me to focus"

"Summers ending, its time for me to settle down more"

I heard those things and started to say to myself, (oh he bout to pull some hoe ass excuse shit) I started to mentally prepare myself for it to end, but I wasn't sure because we really seemed to have a unique bond. There were a few red flags, a 5 day trip where he was so "busy" he couldn't answer his phone. (In the words of my friend Tish (file it) So I did. At the end of the trip, he called and said it was a unique situation with him and his sons mom. (in my mind I'm thinking ALL BULL $h!t)

Lets double back.. after the big pool party fight. I felt as if it was a bad night. Not the end of the world, but according to him it was the first and last straw. We had not ever even had a real argument about anything substantial. We may have had a disagreement about how long it was gonna take me to get ready, or getting dressed, or what i wanted to eat. Yea nothing really but this night to me was just what he needed. This night came soon after he needed and outlet to get out of this relationship. It was just my opinion based on the mere fact that things between us were good. It seemed as if this night was the perfect opportunity for him to say you know what, This isn't working for me. He said, I don't want to do long distance. (I have always lived in Houston and he knew that when he first met me.) Just another one of his bull $h!t excuses.

He seemed so adamant about things ending. I boarded my flight, and it was probably the longest plane ride ever. In my mind I knew it was over. However, he seemed to be having an internal struggle within himself which led me to believe he knew it was a fcuked up situation. I came home, and told my friends it was over. They said the things girls say, it will work out, and my homeboy was like. "Fcuk dat ninja" lmao!

To me it felt as if it was so easy for him to dismiss me. I struggled with this because I know that all relationships take work, and in order for them to work, you have to understand that there will be disagreements, and times where you feel hope is lost, BUT you press towards the goal. The goal to have a life partner. The mere fact that he was so quick to walk away, and was able to dispose of me so quickly bothered me. It didn't hurt anything like my relationship with "Those we do no speak of" (oh! one of my readers asked what was his name, I don't put their names to protect the stupid) It hurt because it was so confusing.

Not long after the fight, He headed to NYC, he told me he was going to visit his dying father. (I didnt question it. I just took him at his word because there was truly no reason for me to question or second guess his word) He claimed that while he was there he was so preoccupied with his family, sleeping on the floor at his families house, and spending time with his sister. I would text/call/contact and he would ALWAYS say I'm going to call you back, or even say, I'll hit you back. That basically turned in to 6/7 days with no real communication.

I went on about my business gearing up for the first week of school. I was STILL under the impression that there was an opportunity for something to work out between us. I reached out one last time and said, hey, I have some time this weekend I can come see you. He finally answered the phone and ended things.

If I remember the convo correctly,

I don't want to do long distance, this isn't working for me. I didn't like the way the one argument we had went down, and I think this is it for me.

I cried. I asked if he was sure?

He said he was done.

I said, OK. (I never called again)

So check it, the purpose of this relationship is to remind me that it’s OK for me to let my guard down. Despite the fact that I was truly hurt by the way it ended I know that in my heart I did everything I could. I gave him the best version of myself. And it wasn’t fake. I was truly being the best version of me. Now of course there’s always things I could work on but I was under the impression that we were both on the same page and willing to work towards these things together. As you read this I’m sure you feel somewhat vague about the events of the night it actually happened. To be honest with you I feel the exact same way. The events were very vague and it’s hard for me to actually understand what truly happened which caused things to end.

I look back on this situation as an opportunity for me to remember that I should never settle. Despite the way he handled things, I know that I deserve someone who will put time and effort into getting to know me and making sure that I have meaningful experiences in my relationship.

One little wrinkle in the story that I failed to mention, is that that big trip to New York City was actually a trip for him to go home and help his ex girlfriend pack up to make her move to Atlanta to be with him. I found this out after I prayed for clarity about the situation. I knew in my heart that I didn’t deserve the type of treatment that he gave me and I was OK with knowing that I walked away from it with a sense of peace.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t hurt. Because I was. But I also knew that I had done my best. I didn’t walk away from the situation feeling guilty or like it was all my fault. Initially, I did feel like I was responsible but I also knew in my heart that I wasn’t responsible. And after surviving and abusive narcissistic relationship you have to be careful about the type of interactions you have with men in your life. I gave myself a week or two to mope but with the start of school, my students didn’t really give me much time to spend in that place lol. They were fired up and ready to Get the Year started!

So in conclusion I say this to you the relationship I have with this person was really amazing. However at some point the wind shifted. Despite the fact that there was a shift I learned so much about myself in this relationship and I learned that I truly had grown a lot. ❤️

I handled myself in a manner that showed me I have nowhere else to go but up! And I know for the next man that I may come in contact with that I’m going to be 10 times stronger And better for him, and of course better for me 😏

I appreciate the fact that he stopped wasting my time when he did, but I didn’t appreciate the fact that he wasn’t honest with me about what was really going on. Instead of him saying I am going to revisit an old relationship he made it seem as if I was this horrible person that was the downfall of our relationship.

I honestly believe the relationship between he and I picked up and went a direction he really wasn’t ready to go. He may have always had intentions on getting back with his ex. He honestly may have had intentions of having something more substantial with me. But then again we will never know because he will Not be honest with himself. I doubt if he was honest with her too. She may not even know that I exist.? In his defense I know I’m awesome, LOL. I also know that I’m a lot to handle. I just hope the man for me has two big hands.

I wish him and his current girlfriend all the best and I hope that they enjoy their lives together, I sure as hell will enjoy mine lol ❤️. I also hope that she knows what type of man she is with. A creative guy, that will not take any responsibility for his actions, and manipulative to the point where he will have her thinking she’s crazy. I don’t know what type of life you can have with someone who won’t take accountability, But again it’s not my problem anymore is it. 😉

So let’s just say this try your best to define clear expectations from the beginning from both parties involved in a relationship if they have a girl they plan on getting back with at the end of this relationship you should know that before you get involved.

I’m taking my own advice and trying not to get launched into the gray.