Hey, I'm in town...

Early in the morning...

Well well well Cole-Worldly folks. I know its been a minute. I've been giving my brain some rest! I have tons of pending blog posts, just not fully composed.

This message comes as I recently sat down with a friend of mine, and we discussed a recent experience they had. They shared with me a person from their past that has sort of weaseled their way back into their life. We talked and discussed how the nostalgic feeling can really compromise our choices, and our decisions. I shared with them a person that had me under a spell like that for a few years. This person could literally come into my life and take me off of whatever path I was on. I talked about how no matter what was going on, its like it was a "switch" in my mind, and my feelings for this person immediately came rushing in. I told them it got really really old. I hated they way it always left me feeling extremely empty afterwards. Apparently they were having the same feelings I had, so I shared my experience. Now, Let me be honest, I promised myself I would give myself a break from writing this summer but sometimes situations arise and need to be discussed, written about, brought to the surface a ya know? Here goes my story...

I roll over.

The room is pitch black.

Oh, thats my eye shade, I slide it up to my forehead.

I can feel my satin bonnet still in place. (winning)

I Reach for my phone. (like everyone else does)

It takes my eyes a moment to focus.

I blink rapidly.

I rub my eyes.

I check the time.

Its late.

I check for missed calls.

The Do Not disturb feature is incredible. (Thanks Apple)

I check my IG feed. (Uggh, no I don't I close the App)

I think about my emails, I don't check them.

I check my text messages.

I see a red bubble on my message Icon.

I tap it.

It says. "Hey, I'm in town."

I notice the number isn't saved so they couldn't be that significant. Or maybe they were significant at one point, and I realized they were full of shit, so I deleted their number. Maybe at one point I decided that I didn't need to save this number any longer, or maybe I never saved it in the first place. Several factors come to mind here, lol.

I place the phone back down, and get a bit more time to sleep.

I have a dream catcher over my bed. I purchased it because I heard it was good for promoting sound sleep and lucid dreams. I'm typically a big dreamer, and I also read that the bad dreams get caught in the net, and allow the good ones to come down through the feathers/rope that it is tied with. It says they should be hand made and should hang in the upper vicinity of your bed/where you lay your head. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I had a bad dream. Or maybe with this incredible sense of peace I've reached in life, wont let my brain just doesn't get as cloudy with all the bad $h!t anymore. Which let me further believe, I wasn't dreaming, lol. I was wide awake, and a fcuk boy was trying to get in my presence... AGAIN.

I know what you're thinking, "How does she know its a fcuk boy?" I mean truthfully I had no clue who it was. Here's what I do know;

I received a text at an obscene hour.

I don't have the number saved.

There was no record of a conversation history.

The only thing they said was. "Hey, I'm in town." (Not hey, How are you, I know this is a random message, but I'm in town, would be good to see you for lunch/grab a happy hour. Just let me know, if or when you're free I'll be around.)

I could be wrong but its just something I've noticed from my experiences. (but no, I'm not wrong.) I KNOW I'm not wrong.

My mind drifts.

My eyes close.

I snuggle back under the covers.

I flip my pillow to the "cool" side.

Re position myself around honey's comfort. lol.

I drift off into a deep sleep.

My eyes open.

I make a mad dash for the bathroom.

Every queen should sit on the throne daily.

I get some of my best work done on the throne.

I start to go through my daily phone routine.

Missed calls, Text messages, and emails.

I remember, the text from last night.

Not to mention, NOW there is another message.

"Hello?"

Now Im annoyed.

I guess he didn't like the fact that I didn't respond.

I've kinda learned that No response is a great response.

I know that this person feels "pressed" to get this message to me.

I feel this way because when you travel, you only have a limited amount of time.

the longer I take to respond, the more "ancy" they are probably getting.

As busy as they may be, they want to make sure they squeeze in time for me for SEX.

This is probably someone who I had to HUNT down to hang out with.

Someone who would barely respond to my text messages.

Probably wouldn't respond to my phone calls or took forever to return them.

Yeah all of the above, prolly someone who couldn't take me seriously.

Their call probably came through at the latest hour.

The hours after they have had all their fun, after they've gone to places, been out with their little friends, and now that they've fulfilled their social needs, they want to satisfy their physical needs.

I probably became frustrated with them, and just changed my behavior and then it caused them to either try harder, or just give up.

The truth is, the majority of the folks I've given my time didn't deserve it.

I've spent so much of my life and time on folks that were so unworthy of it.

If I knew then what I know now, TUH! I can guarantee I would not have made some of the soul ties I've made.

I know what you're thinking.

Why doesn't she just respond, and see who it is?

I'm single, and can do what I want, but I don't wanna respond.

I kinda don't care who it is.

I want to break the cycle, meaning, I don't want to say any of the following;

"Who is this"

Then they are gonna text me "WOOOOWWWW"

Ima say, "What?"

They gon say "You don't have my number saved?"

Ima say, "No what's up, Who is this?"

They gonna say "I guess it doesn't matter/I'm not important to you"

Ima say, "ok"

A bit of time will pass.

They will say, "But nah for real, what's up?"

Im going to have a personal struggle with myself about responding.

The old me, "Will say, NOTHING who is this?"

They will say, "I can't believe you don't have my number saved."

The improved me. (crickets)

See how much of my time is being wasted with this?

See how much of your brain cells are being wasted reading this?

My point exactly.

I go on about my day.

I proceed doing whatever the fcuk I was going to do before.

We all have that person who feels that you are readily accessible to them.

Whenever they call, they feel that they can come into your space and fcuk your shit up, and then move around.

You guys ever felt that way?

You ever felt manipulated?

Almost to the point where it sickens you?

I have on multiple occasions.

I had one that would call me a few days before,

I would clear my schedule, take off work if necessary.

Have a few amazing days and incredible moments.

Then? They were gone.

I was always left with this extreme emptiness feeling after.

I feel as if my body would "ache" for them.

It caused me physical pain.

Eventually crept into my emotional welfare.

I would feel sick.

It happened multiple times, and also, it was ridiculous.

I've made tons of frikkn mistakes yall.

I got mistakes on top of mistakes.

I do dumb shit sometimes.

I've involved myself with dumb people.

You have to ask yourself.

When is enough, ENOUGH.

I will admit I have a shorter attention span.

Meaning If I sense bull shit, I have a tendency to flee faster.

I do believe it is important to give people a chance to show you who they are,

but once they show you, who they truly are, and if its not good for you? MOVE AROUND.

Quickly, Quietly, and without regards for the other persons feelings.

Oh yeah so back to the text message at an odd hour.

Remember the message came through in the middle of the night.

Yea that message.

Well, I waited a few days (approximately four)

I felt thats usually the amount of time people are on vacation.

I didn't really care about the persons feelings regarding the message.

My gut feeling let me know, that this was someone I didn't need to be involved with.

I had already deleted the number.

There was also no conversation history.

I could've taken the time to do some research to figure out who this person was.

Truly, at the current time, I don't think I cared enough to find out.

Did I respond?

Of course I did.

I said I hope you enjoyed your trip.

I got up and went through my Macbook because its like a frikkn encyclopedia of all kids of shit. lol. If it wasn't in the "book" it was in the damn cloud, lol. I typed the mystery number in my search bar, and sure enough it popped up in my messages.

It was the spell caster. lol.

A wizard, lmmfao.

A sorcerer.

Apparently he was in town. (hence the title)

He wanted me to spend some time with him as we did in the past.

All those old feelings started to rush into my thoughts,

but this time, I was more focused on the the way I felt AFTER.

I was always left with the feeling of being empty.

Not fully put together.

Disoriented.

Broken.

But here I am now, this improvement of who I once was.

The old me is always there, I'll always keep her with me, but I just keep her in check.

I don't allow her ways to consume my thoughts.

Which is why I was able to be so strong,

and not even entertain the idea of seeing this person.

Was the sex good, yep. It was electric.

Probably some of the best sex I've ever had in my life.

It always seemed to be something out of this world.

But thats all it was. It lasted for just that moment and then it was over.

I was then left alone.

I had to start rebuilding/putting my self back together after they left.

My body craved more now.

My heart wanted more as well.

It wasn't even about anyone else being in or out of the picture.

It was what I wanted and deserved for myself.

As I sat and read through our old conversations,

I could tell every moment in the message where I felt that emptiness again.

I sensed in the messages the excitement of seeing the person,

and then the Loneliness would soon follow the happiness.

I'm happy I didn't respond to the messages, and I even deleted that thread.

From my Macbook, from the cloud, hell my memories too.

So I say this to you my Cole worldly readers.

If at this point in your life, there is someone who coms into your life

doesn't mean you any good,

who doesn't add value,

you wants to use you like a pencil (sharpen use, sharpen use, eventually throw away)

and can fuck your shit up beyond repair, drop them.

If not today soon.

Sooner than Soon.

You will be better off, even if you can't see it now.

Side note this is the exact story and advice I shared with my friend.

I hope it helps someone.

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