And there He was... (or was he???)

I was Vulnerable.

I put myself out there. (The way I wanted to)

I was operating slightly from a place of fear.

But, I was open and willing.

Quite a bit of time had passed. We were communicating but not as frequently. I had asked several times. When we could link? OR when can I come see you?

The first time I asked him abut seeing each other, he sent me his vacation schedule. It was literally about 12 different cities. I (stupidly) assumed, that the fact that he was so willing to share so much information with me, that this man may actually would want a relationship with me. He seemed so open. I was taken aback by the schedule, never ever had a doubt about how much he traveled and that he would be consumed with that all the time. I just said, Oh the places we'll go. LOL. The way he traveled made me have a zest for traveling, I felt that I needed to get my weight up. I had the money, I had the time, I had the freedom, so I struck up the match and haven't stopped yet. I hung on to the feeling of our meeting, the chemistry, and basically leaned on my inquisitive nature about him. The dynamics shifted. I was always excited to hear from him, but my feelings were starting to change a bit.

I felt myself becoming frustrated with him. I wanted to see him, I desired him, I wanted to be in his presence.

I know this sounds crazy, but I could literally close my eyes, almost in a meditative state, and I could feel him, and I mean FEEL him. It made the muscles in my pelvic area jump. I would have to grab the wall/a chair or something. The feeling was intense I literally "shook" me. It was incredible. lol. Despite the incredible feelings I once felt, it had faded the intensity of that feeling slowly but surely became weaker, and weaker...

But I knew it was over, or really wasn't going any further. Party Next Door dropped "Come and See Me" I sent it with a quickness.

Have you heard this song yet? He said "Here you go" lol. (That song was the soundtrack to my situation-ship with him, I mean the lyrics basically told our story. I was excited and felt incredibly connected to this song because of the nature of our relationship. It was scary that someone I didn't know was telling my story. With out my permission, and letting the whole world hear it, in the car, on the radio.)

Why you gotta start girl, why you gotta start? I know we make time for the things that we want I know you got another N1cc@ tryna play the part Just 'cause he got a heart don't mean he got heart Could be standing in a field, and he still ain't in the field If anything should change then I thought we had a deal Lately you keep questioning what you get out the deal Doing things to make me feel the way I make you feel How hard is it to let you know when I'm coming home That way you could be prepared, maybe take a couple sick days and not miss pay I don't even know what things are looking like inside of your place and how it's decorated This thing is getting one-sided, I can't even lie to you right now

All she talkin' bout is come and see me for once Come and see me for once.

Granted the space between us definitely allowed me to heal, grow, and again, it was slow, it was easy. It didn't demand too much from me nor him. But I still wanted it to be a bit faster than it was, I needed more, and I wanted him, I think??? The thing you may not know about abuse survivors is that it causes them to not trust them selves, their thoughts. They doubt what they feel, they doubt what they know to be true. Without the proper counseling/or support they have a hard time getting their emotions in check. Its a strange place to be in, but at that point, No matter how much time passed between us, It was always so interesting how that moment together took me back to square one. I kept asking when I'd see him.

And there he was...

He surprised me for my birthday. (I was happy, it was one of the things I wished for that year.) He and I had a very "loose" idea of whatever we had going on. In the time that we were involved I had a whole other person I was talking to. Not any committed relationship stuff but I was behaving as a single woman, Free. lol. I had a great birthday that year to say the least. (Birthday $ex plays in the back of my mind, its on repeat, IT was a good birthday, lol.) He flew into town, stayed as long as he could, we ate, talked caught up, and did things adults do, you know.. (side eye). My body was not my own at that time, I was at a point where I was sharing myself openly, and freely with him.

It felt like my intimate experiences were rides at an amusement park. You now that excitement you feel when you know you're going to it, riding in the car, parking and securing all your important belongings. The anticipation you feel waiting in the line (grabbing your coke can if needed, lol) Whipping out that season pass, the long waiting, the intense heat you sometimes wait in. How your heart races when you're close to riding. Deciding if you want to be in the front or in the back. Sitting down, pulling down that bar, and relaxing your hands. The slow wrap around, and the climb to top, you can feel each gear clicking under the belly of the coaster. It jerks, you talk about absolutely nothing, just to keep yourself from losing your $hit. You get nearer to the top..... if you're in the front, the "tip" hangs just over the highest peak of the coaster leaving the front riders suspended waiting, and yearning for that drop, even for a moment, you take in the breath taking views and realize just how "high" you are.. and then... RELEASE! (I digress)

You get off and then, its over. I took him back to the airport, and he was on his way again. (I missed him) But I got over it soon, because by now, I was used to him being away, being gone, and being absent.

During my time of healing, I was still figuring $h!t out, but I knew, I desired more. I wanted more, I NEEDED more, Hell, I deserved more. I wasn't sure if I wanted to write him off, but I sure wanted him to know how I was feeling. The text exchange became less and less, the conversations became shorter, the desire to see each was basically non-existent.

And there he was...

He let me know, he was coming again. I decided to take the day off to assure I could entertain him. Call in sick, lol. I always wanted to see him (no matter the time) We ate, we talked, we did things adults do again. Then he was gone. It didn't hurt at all this time. It didn't make me feel empty, I was actually at peace.

I allowed some time to pass, and decided that it was best that I go ahead and say what I feel. (A skill learned in counseling. To communicate from a place of honesty not hurt/anger/frustration.) I called him, I shared my feelings, and he said understood and respected my feelings. (Although I had seen traces of ass-hole in him, lol, He told me he had that in him though so when I saw it, I don't think I was surprised that he was being an ass-hole, I was more surprised he was being one towards me.) The coversation left me feeling uneasy. I don't know why but for some reason I wanted to hold on this this piece of "nothing" relationship. I knew it was no good for me, and still despite the way things went down, I was still fortunate to have had the experience I had with him.

I don't think he knows how much I had sacrificed to be this vulnerable with him. I don't even think I realized how much I let my own guard down. But I wanted to be better, I wanted to be improved. I wanted to be Crystal 2.0, Especially after everything with "Those we do not speak of." I was just trying to figure out my place in it all. This was my season with him.

He was what I needed.

He helped me, his travel allowed me the space to grow, and heal in the manner I needed to.... ALONE. He still gives me chills, he probably always will.

In that convo, He shared with me that long distance was never an option, (funny because we never discussed it, and it made me feel as if, I wonder how come people don't lead with their intentions in the beginning of a relationship?? So often we assume that in a situation with a man and and a woman, that it is an understanding that it will be a natural progression. I've learned at this point that you have to ask up front what are you looking for?? and ask a $h!t ton of questions (if they shut down? they on some BS, lol. One who is actually serious will answer most questions, and they will even ask you questions.)

Or don't ask questions, and then send them an invite to your wedding, or post pictures with your new boo while you guys are at dinner/on that "bae"cation. LMAO.

Truthfully, I figured, It really wasn't an option for me either, lol. But I always try to step out of the traditional relationship box. I allowed some time to pass between us and there were the random texts, and social media likes. We ended up having another convo some time after, and this one made me feel more at peace. Because this one wasn't just me sharing my feelings, but it was an interchange between two parties both sharing their feelings.

We catch up with each other from time to time, mainly by phone/texts. There are occasional sightings, and definitely a mutual respect. He was appropriate for that season in my life. That season which has now ended.