And the he was... (and so was I)

I began to see it clearly... (it being me)

Initially I dozed off to sleep, (I'm always on the move, so I actually enjoyed laying down, relaxing in last nights love pallet) My body was physically tired, but I also felt a sense of peace. So check it..

I hadn't had sex since my last relationship. I was working out consistently, my body was in tip top shape, my kegel muscles were tight. I'm a cyclist.. I actually practiced my kegel exercises to prepare for the next time it went down. I was trying to stay "ready" lol. I actually started teaching cycling because my counselor (yeah I went to counseling, I went because after I filed a restraining order against my ex, and the District of Attorney's office manager that handled my case, told me about all these free resources to help people with their mental health, so I swallowed my big ball of pride and a cup of embarrassment, and I took my ass to some of the group sessions. ) My counselor suggested that I do something to get out of my house. It was the gym... It was the gym that saved me. (Ill tell more about that in another post)

I'm awake again.. let me go ahead and get up.

As I stood up, stretched again, hopped out of bed I looked (there was that woman again. She looked so content, and relaxed. This time I KNEW it was me. It was me that was making a decision to live again, I smiled, and walked my happy ass into the bathroom.)

I went into the shower, and I see some of his toiletries scattered on the counter. I use the bathroom, (I live for that morning time on the Porcelain throne) I just hoped his ass wasn't going to pop in and surprise me or something, cuz I was in there tearing that thang UP!

I started the shower. I got up, and stood in front of the bathroom mirror and I see the steam starting to distort my image, My image of myself was also distorted because of my experiences. I know you don’t get it, but I was trying to figure out who I was. Because for a while there I wanted to get back to the “old me” but I realized she was gone, and was NEVER coming back. It was a new experience. Everything seemed different... my life, my relationships, and mostly the way I viewed myself. It took me a while to get the hurtful words out of my mind, it took me some time to feel worthy of love, and worthy of companionship. It was hard. It was a life changing experience. (Snaps fingers)

I was waiting on my shower to get nice and hot. (You know meals got to cook!) I made my way to my suitcase (which was still locked and closed from the airport. Damn we couldn't wait another second huh, I didn't even get to put on the fly outfit I packed for him to see me in!)

I stepped in. I loved the way my voice echoed off the bathroom walls As I sang.. I let my hair stay out in the shower. It seemed to relax my waves a bit. I rubbed my hands across my sudsy body as the water trickled down my skin. In one hand a towel, and the other on the back of my neck. I laid my cheek on my shoulder and it seemed as if all my cares were being washed away. I felt like this shower somehow was the beginning of a new life. It was in this moment that I realized I was able to be aroused by someone again, I felt beautiful again, I felt as if I was being washed clean, and the “old“ me was going down the drain. Was it about him??? Damn... this was actually all about me... I felt alive again.

It was his touch that reminded me that I was soft. I was delicate, I was made to be cared for. It was his kiss that reminded me that my lips were plush. I felt like a woman, I felt like I could be a woman, without being on guard, and it was his nature that allowed this space that I left empty to be filled. And I mean FILLED. I deserved this. I deserved him. I deserved to bask in my own glow.

I turn off the water...... The steam reaches for me too... I too escape her grasp. (I’m desirable too)

I was cute.

I slipped into some clothes that made me feel sexy. I used Yelp to find this awesome restaurant right around the corner from the hotel. The weather was worth being outside. Especially living in Houston, Texas. (Wink)

I was the girl walking through the lobby, and caused people to turn their heads.

The ladies looked, (not in jealousy, but in awe) The guys looked, well you know ”Guys” lol

I walked down the street past several businesses, I had a song playing in my head as I walked down the street. (Rihanna, Only girl in the World) I was literally the star of my own movie. Did it take all this to get me to realize how amazing and incredible I was again? It did. Because it made me step out of my comfort zone. It made me address and acknowledge these fears I have been holding in. I had grown so much because I was already experiencing a sense of peace on my own and it just so happened to allow me to feel the strength and the courage to step out again. I knew, regardless of whether this relationship worked or not, that I was alive again. I was meeting the new me.

Breakfast was incredible. I sat at the bar, I ate alone and was wildly entertained by the bartenders. The Mimosa’s tasted fresher than they ever have, and even though I racked up a pretty penny it didn’t even seem to matter. One thing I noticed after that incredibly trying time in my life is that, it honestly and truly sucked so much out of me. Food was more satisfying, people were enjoyable, life was exciting (of course it had its regular challenges) but Its hard to describe but I was truly "living."

I decided to do a bit of sightseeing. They were really cool things lit up and down the streets of downtown. They even had a sign where you could take your picture and become a part of the picture. I got a random stranger to snap one for me, and in the process of taking the picture I get a text....

And there he was...

He was checking on me to see how I was doing. (I couldn’t remember the last time someone was actually concerned about MY well being (other than my parents of course, lol) and wanted to know what I was up to.) He asked me what all I had gotten into, and asked what time I like to come by. I told him I was feeling really good after my brunch and I was going to go lay down for a bit. But that I would come by and see him later. I told him he should go ahead and hang with his coworkers for lunch and then I come by after.

You see all of this emotional turmoil that I have been living in for a while was starting to subside. I didn’t need sleep just because of the mimosas, however they did play a big part LOL, but I need to sleep because I was getting rid of an old me. And in order to grow sometimes you have to rest. (literally growing pains) My spirit needed rest, muscles need to rest, and my heart need to rest more than anything. I have been beating to the same drum for the last few years and it was time for me to put that down and start a new. It was the start of me realizing that I’ve actually grown, I was healing.

I reached out to him, he said head on over. He said, our hotel is actually connected to my job. He say you don’t even have to walk outside. He gave me directions and I started making my trek to see him . I walked in and I noticed so many people looking at me. You see I never noticed this before because I would always have my head down. My crown slipped off a LONG time ago, and rolled away. Order now restored.

His job was super cool. It was a lively place. I enjoyed walking past all these beautiful works of art. Strong manufactured creatures. I walked like I was on a runway.

I called his phone to let’s him know I had arrived.

As I walk up, all sounds start to fade. I start to hear his voice amongst the others. He was guiding me to where he was. It was a moment that I had to TRUST him. (I’m my other relationship all trust was gone. If he told me it was raining out, I went to go see for myself. If he said it was cold? I put on shorts. Yes, basically) I let my guard down with this one and just focused only on his voice and followed his directions. (Ultimately, thats what I want, I want a man that can lead me, that I can trust, and be his partner.) He let me know he could see me. (This was the first man that was TRULY seeing me. Seeing this new thing I had become. He was seeing what survival looked like) Finally....

And there he was....

I felt my legs start moving faster, I could feel my heels press down into the bottom of my shoes, I could hear all the crap in My purse clicking around to the cadence my feet created. I slammed into him, (boom) I hugged him tightly. (It was almost like last night never happened) Guess what, he hugged me too. He chuckled “Good to see you too beautiful” I blushed, and laughed out loud because I realized how OVERLY dramatic and ridiculous this moment must’ve looked. (Part of me could care less, lmao)

He introduced me to a few of his coworkers. They say “She’s beautiful” I smile and say Thanks. (I knew what they saw because I saw it in the mirror too, I was beautiful outside but my inside was something serious. It matched my outside which was a beautiful mess.)

He grabs my hand and takes me on a tour, and I stop thinking and let him lead me. He’s very educated about his work, knows a lot of Ins an odds about their product his company sells.

It it seems as if time stands still.

He asks me what I want to do later. I told him Id like to just go with the flow and see about hanging out. He says ok, I’ll finish up here soon. He hugs me. (I'm not shallow but damnit its nice to have a man with legs longer than mine.) I always seem to fade into him. Like it feels like the safest place on earth. I smell his cologne again. I put my arms around him, and I can feel his chin sink into the top of my head. He kisses my forehead again, and whispers in my ear... “I’ll see you soon” (I literally faded into my own thoughts)

I walk away, drunk on a feeling.

It was loose.

It wasn't love.

It was carefree.

It wasn't demanding.

It was what I needed.

He was what I needed.

I was It.